Who am I anyway?

I don't know if this all has something to do with turning 30 but I have had some eye opening experiences in the last couple of days. I must warn you that you should proceed through this post with caution. I don't mean any offense to anyone so hopefully it won't come across that way. I have just been experiencing some emotions lately that have got me thinking. I am not very good with expressing myself, especially on paper so this could be a little rough around the edges. O.K. enough warning...here goes. By the way, I'm looking forward to any comments that you have.

I told you a little about my friend Tonya and her accident. She has really made me take a good look at myself and people in general. She is so genuine. I really want to be that person that you don't have to guess what or who they believe in. I really want to live with integrity. I looked up the definition of integrity and this is what I found...adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. That's it...that's what I want my life to be.

I want people that don't know me to look at me and see me as someone that is human and flawed but forgiven by a God of grace & mercy. I want people to know that I am so far from perfect but that I am O.K. with that (most of the time). God is still working on me and will continue to work on me until the day that I die. I struggle with being everything to everyone and nothing to no one. I want to be the best mom but most days go to bed feeling like a failure. I want to play with my girls more but just can't find the time and energy a lot of the time. I want to get my priorities straight. I want Ryan to love and adore me but end up most days giving him plenty of reasons not to. I want to know more about the bible and how it applies and when to use scriptures and where they can be found in the bible. I am more materialistic, career driven and selfish than I ever thought possible.

I do have good qualities too. I am highly determined and driven and can accomplish almost anything when I put my mind to it. I love to serve others when possible and would do anything for my friends. I hurt deeply when someone I love hurts and wear my emotions on my sleeve (I guess that one is both good and bad). I am a great cook, good housekeeper, hard worker and love to learn. I hate lying and deceit and am teaching my girls to be honest people even when it isn't convenient or fun or rewarding.

Your wondering where all this is going huh...I guess that I just want to keep it real. I don't want to portray my life as this perfect fairytale bible story that it isn't. One of my favorite things to do is to sit on my lanai with my husband, have a couple of cold beers and share thoughts about our past, present & future. I don't always listen to Christain music and can't quote scripture off the top of my head. I am working on being a better follower of Jesus Christ but to be real honest it is really hard. I want to share God's love with my family and friends but am scared of their reactions. I don't want to be the crazy Christain girl that scares away unbelievers but I don't want to put God in a box either. I am just searching for the right balance and trying to listen intently to what God is telling and teaching me along the way.

I love my life and am so lucky to have everything that I do, but that doesn't always keep me from wanting more. Like I said before, I am definitely a work-in-progress. I am glad that I have this blog to vent frustrations and share triumphs but I hope that I don't distort the real facts...I am flawed and need Jesus' blood to cover me each & every day. Thank you God for your grace...I need it desperatly!

Until next time....